Taking it In | Authentic Vulnerability | Show Up Human Skills Inventory | Enneagram Insights into Trust

In this month's Flow with Felicity I'm back on the theme of TRUST and the link with Authentic Vulnerability:

• I look back & share my Taking it In experience of July.

• Deepen your understanding of the connection between authentic vulnerability and trust in The Insight

• In The Tip, check your skills of showing up as an imperfect human & get suggestions for your development.

• Find out the trust needs by Enneagram type: Enneagram Insights into Trust

I draw on my coaching and life experiences to write this for Leaders, Founders, Life Seekers and Coaches. I hope you find value for yourself and/or for supporting those around you. #BeBetterTogether

Coach yourself towards strong and elastic workplace relationships.

How are you Flowing?

My Personal Reflection: Taking it In

My sense of July is that it’s been an outwards month. Times on the beach, the water, hiking & cycling feel like they have outweighed desk and inside time. Probably not the case if I were to add up the hours! My guess is that it’s the long days & evenings that contribute to that outdoors, spacious feel.

It has the feel of a very broad river, sitting well within its landscape. If the water is a metaphor for my energy, it is moving peacefully and purposefully.  I’m not cramming stuff into my week and I’m also not just letting days pass aimlessly.

As I seek the image for the month, my attention is grabbed by a river in Abel Tasman’s wilderness region in South Island, New Zealand. When we’d visited this area, we’d sea kayaked along the coast and then turned inland, pushed hard to paddle through the point where the river met the sea, and worked our way upstream.

I’m reminded of how the intensity of being out on the open water calmed when we were through the rapids (where the river met the sea) and onto paddling on this broad and gentle and soothing green river. The surrounding greenery altered the sound and I remember becoming more aware of others around us. There was time to look up and about, rather than focused on the waves, stroke, steerage and balance. One could pause in amongst the paddling and Take it In.

There have been many moments of interaction with friends, family and clients. It’s been a month of being aligned to the summer days, and of being in an invitational space with others. Both offering and receiving.

I’ve spent more of the month literally outside AND in more of an ‘outer’ world, than in my more usual ‘inner’ world. What I realise, is that like the river, there is time to look up and about, to slow down and enjoy the ‘peopling’ and a range of different and new experiences both in work and at play. I’ve been Taking it In.

Honestly, what’s not to like? Everything just feels easier when the days are longer and we live with more light and warmth. One part of me (def my Active Enthusiast) would like it to always be like this, but other parts of me (Quiet Specialist) would soon be crying out for their ‘inner’ time!

Reflection Questions

• What shifts for you when the season’s shift?

• What parts of you enjoy the summer season most?

Try this 5 step River Reflection Process for yourself

1. Start by remembering the month, bringing the feelings, thoughts and physical sensations back into your heart, mind and body.

2. If it was a river, what would it look like? Consider the colours, the size, the pace, quality, depth of the water. What’s the landscape? Where are YOU in this river landscape? Who is with you?

3. Find an image that broadly represents your experience. You may have images on your phone, if not use an image library/ AI image generator and pop in a description of what has come up for you.

4. Take in this picture, what else is there within it? If there is wisdom for you in this picture about the past month, what is it offering you?

5. Capture & summarise the self-awareness you now have about this month, and can take forward into the next month.

Tune into how you're flowing and build your relationship with yourself.

The Insight:

Authentic Vulnerability builds Trust

I’m back talking about trust in our relationships. This time connecting it with authentic vulnerability.

I’ve been inspired by several of the leaders that I’ve recently coached who’ve demonstrated authentic vulnerability in their relationships with their team and in how they are working with me.

The key link with trust is that when leaders show up with authentic vulnerability, they nurture trust.

If you’re a leader that believes part of your responsibility is to create conditions in which trust can flourish, then this will be right up your street.

Last time we looked at this through the lens of Trust Beliefs (see Issue #16) and this time we’re looking at how you can enhance trust in your team relationships by showing up with authentic vulnerability.

Three Stories before we get stuck into authentic vulnerability:

1. One MD of an established company asked each senior team member for full and frank feedback.

Not only did the team recognise that this showed a willingness by the MD to be vulnerable and an openness to change, it made them feel trusted. Their insights and observations mattered.

2. In a three-way conversation with their Exec Director, an MD revealed that they felt they had a skill & experience shortage to take their role to the next strategic level.

Not only did this demonstrate an ability to assess skill set for a situation, the shift from ‘proving good’ to being transparent about their ‘less developed parts’ softened and bought understanding and interest to the Exec’s interaction pattern.

3. A Founder revealed Aha insights from their Enneagram to their SLT. They went further and opened up about how their pattern of interaction was different with different members of the team. More filtered with some, than with others.

   
   

This not only role modelled the value of building one’s self-awareness, it also signalled to the team what level of vulnerability is welcomed.

In each case, trust was enhanced in the relationship.

So what do we mean by Authentic Vulnerability?

We’re describing an action, so it’s about how you show up with others.

Authentic - It’s a true experience for you. It is genuine and is in alignment with who you are and your values. It is your thoughts, feelings and sensations.

Vulnerability - the open and transparent sharing of your authentic self with another when it may feel risky to you to be seen in that way.

The Signs of Discomfort that tell you you’re in the right place

• If you’re a feeling person, it is likely to feel tender for you and the sharing may bring on emotion

• If you’re more of a thinker, you’ll likely notice the internal chit chat of ‘what if it goes wrong?’ questions

• If you’re a body sensation first, your body will be speaking to you most likely from your gut, chest and throat.

For me, I have a lot of internal chatter pre-sharing about what others will think of me if I do share. Surely they won’t want to work with me if they know x,y,z? Plus, I have to be careful not to feel ashamed and embarrassed after I’ve shared something that feels personal, and reveals the deficits hidden within me.

So if it’s this hard, why bother? And surely it’s best to wait until there is trust in the relationship before you show up in this way?

It is certainly easier to show up with Authentic Vulnerability within relationships in which trust is already there. The trust gives us the support that it will all be ok. That we will be ok with our ‘reveal’. The relationship supports us to be authentic and vulnerable.

In the above stories, none of these leaders took these steps lightly or without support. This is often true when we speak a place of authentic vulnerability - there has to be appropriate support. This might be to reflect on what happens in a moment, it might be to find appropriate words, to shift a mindset, to prepare for the before and after moments.

Why Authentic Vulnerability is a Trust Creator

When Leader's show up as Imperfect Humans it Indicates Trust in the Team:

• Reciprocal Trust: A leader's willingness to be vulnerable signals that they trust their team members enough to share their true selves with them. This act of trust is often reciprocated, leading to a virtuous cycle of mutual trust.

  
  

• Belief in the Team's Support: When a leader asks for help or admits a challenge, it demonstrates their belief that the team is capable and willing to provide support and solutions.

  
  

The psychological impact of a leader showing up with authentic vulnerability is profound and overwhelmingly positive, leading to significantly enhanced trust, stronger relationships, and improved team dynamics.

1. Demonstrates Honesty and Integrity:

   • Perceived Genuineness: When a leader is authentically vulnerable, it feels genuine and unscripted. This sincerity is a cornerstone of trust, as people are more likely to trust someone they perceive as honest and true to themselves.

   • Alignment of Words and Actions: Vulnerability shows that the leader is not afraid to expose their true self, demonstrating a congruence between their internal state and external behavior. This consistency is vital for building trust.

     
     

2. Shows Courage and Strength, Not Weakness:

   • Counterintuitive Strength: Admitting mistakes or asking for help is often perceived not as a weakness, but as a significant display of courage and self-awareness. It takes strength to acknowledge imperfections, especially in a leadership role.

   • Inspires Respect: Team members respect leaders who are brave enough to be themselves, flaws and all. This respect forms another critical pillar of trust.

     
     

3. Promotes Psychological Safety and Predictability:

   • Safe Environment for Risk-Taking: Vulnerability contributes significantly to psychological safety. In such an environment, team members feel safe to be themselves and take calculated risks, knowing that the leader will be understanding and supportive, even if things don't go perfectly. This predictability in how the leader will react fosters trust.

   • Reduces Guesswork: When a leader is open, there's less need for team members to "read between the lines" or guess at the leader's true intentions or feelings. This clarity and transparency are crucial for building stable and trusting relationships.

   • Reduced Anxiety and Stress: In a psychologically safe environment, individuals experience less anxiety about failure or judgment. This frees up cognitive resources that might otherwise be spent on self-protection, allowing for greater focus on creativity, problem-solving, and collaboration.

     
     

4. Increased Relatability and Approachability:

   • Breaks Down the "Perfect Leader" Myth: When a leader shows vulnerability (e.g., admitting a mistake, expressing uncertainty, sharing a personal struggle), it shatters the often-held perception of them as infallible or superhuman. This makes them immediately more human and relatable to their team members.

   • Reduces Psychological Distance: The perceived power distance between leader and team member shrinks. Team members feel more comfortable approaching the leader with their own challenges, ideas, or even disagreements, knowing they won't be met with judgment or a sense of inadequacy.

     
     

5. Modeling of Openness and Authenticity:

   • Sets the Tone for Team Culture: A leader's vulnerability acts as a powerful signal for the desired team culture. It encourages others to reciprocate with their own authenticity, leading to more genuine interactions and a deeper understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses.

   • Encourages Feedback and Innovation: When a leader is open about their own learning process or areas for development, it naturally invites constructive feedback from the team. This open dialogue is crucial for innovation and continuous improvement.

     
     

6. Empathy and Connection:

   • Deepens Emotional Bonds: Sharing a personal struggle or a moment of self-doubt can evoke empathy from team members. This shared human experience creates a deeper emotional connection that transcends purely professional interactions.

   • Fosters a Sense of Shared Humanity: Recognizing that everyone, including the leader, faces challenges and uncertainties, creates a stronger sense of unity and shared purpose.

In summary, authentic vulnerability in a leader is not about weakness; it's a powerful demonstration of strength, honesty, and trust. It humanizes the leader, creates a safe space for the team, and ultimately fosters deep, resilient trust that underpins effective leadership and high-performing teams.

The Tip: Show up Human

Take a skills inventory and develop your capability and capacity for showing up with Authentic Vulnerability - show up Human!

It's not about weakness, but about genuine self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to connect on a human level.

Here are 5 key skills, developmental stages for each, and suggestions for growth:

1. Self-Awareness

Definition: The ability to understand one's own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, values, and motivations, and to recognise their impact on others. This includes acknowledging insecurities and areas for growth.

Developmental Stages:

• Emerging: Unaware of personal biases or emotional triggers; tends to react without reflection; difficulty articulating personal values.

• Developing: Starting to notice emotional responses and patterns; can identify some strengths and weaknesses but may be defensive about them; occasionally reflects on personal impact.

• Proficient: Good understanding of emotional landscape; can articulate core values and motivations; openly acknowledges strengths and areas for development without defensiveness; actively seeks feedback.

• Mastery: Deep, continuous insight into inner workings; consistently able to manage emotional responses; fully integrates feedback for personal growth; inspires others through their own journey of self-discovery.

Suggestion for Development:

• Journaling and Reflection: Dedicate 10-15 minutes daily to journaling about your experiences, emotional reactions, and what triggered them. Ask yourself: "What was I truly feeling?" "What was my underlying motivation?" "How might my actions have been perceived?"

• Seek Feedback (and truly listen): Actively ask trusted colleagues, direct reports, or mentors for honest feedback on your interactions and how you come across. Practice active listening, resisting the urge to defend or explain.

2. Emotional Regulation

Definition: The ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in a constructive way, preventing impulsive reactions and maintaining composure even under pressure. This doesn't mean suppressing emotions, but choosing how to express them.

Developmental Stages:

• Emerging: Prone to emotional outbursts or withdrawing under stress; difficulty controlling immediate reactions; emotions often dictate behaviour.

• Developing: Recognises emotional triggers but may still struggle to control initial reactions; occasionally able to pause before responding; sometimes expresses emotions less constructively.

• Proficient: Consistently able to pause and choose responses to emotional triggers; expresses emotions appropriately and constructively; maintains composure in challenging situations.

• Mastery: Exhibits calm and presence under extreme pressure; can skillfully navigate and de-escalate emotional situations; uses emotional intelligence to guide decisions and interactions.

Suggestion for Development:

• Mindfulness and Breathwork: Practice daily mindfulness meditation or simple breathing exercises (e.g., box breathing) for 5-10 minutes. This helps to create a "pause" between stimulus and response, allowing for more intentional reactions.

• Identify Triggers and Plan Responses: When you notice a recurring emotional reaction, identify the specific trigger. Then, consciously plan a different, more constructive response for the next time it occurs. Role-play if helpful.

3. Empathy and Perspective-Taking

Definition: The capacity to understand and share the feelings of another, and to consider situations from their point of view. This involves active listening and a genuine curiosity about others' experiences.

Developmental Scale:

• Emerging: Focuses primarily on own viewpoint; tends to interrupt or offer solutions prematurely; struggles to understand others' unstated feelings.

• Developing: Tries to listen but may still be formulating own response; sometimes asks clarifying questions but may not fully grasp emotional nuances; acknowledges others' feelings superficially.

• Proficient: Actively listens with the intent to understand; asks probing questions to gain deeper insight; can accurately identify and acknowledge others' emotions and perspectives, even when different from their own.

• Mastery: Deeply connects with others' emotional states; anticipates needs and concerns; uses understanding to foster genuine connection and influence; creates an environment where others feel truly heard and valued.

Suggestion for Development:

• Active Listening Practice: When speaking with someone, dedicate 100% of your attention to them. Resist the urge to plan your response. After they speak, summarise what you heard in your own words to confirm understanding ("So, if I'm understanding correctly, you're feeling X because of Y?").

• "Walk in Their Shoes" Exercise: Before making a decision or reacting to a situation, intentionally consider it from the perspective of each person involved. What might their concerns, motivations, or fears be?

4. Courage to Be Imperfect

Definition: The willingness to admit mistakes, acknowledge limitations, and share struggles or uncertainties without fear of judgment or loss of authority. This demonstrates humility and authenticity.

Developmental Stages:

• Emerging: Avoids admitting mistakes; tries to present a perfect image; fears showing any sign of weakness.

• Developing: May admit minor errors, but struggles with significant failures; uncomfortable discussing personal struggles; worries about losing credibility.

• Proficient: Readily admits mistakes and takes responsibility; openly discusses challenges and lessons learned; comfortable sharing appropriate personal vulnerabilities to build connection.

• Mastery: Proactively shares failures and setbacks as learning opportunities; normalises imperfection within the team; inspires others to be open and authentic by leading by example.

Suggestion for Development:

• Practice "Failure Friday" (or similar): In a team meeting or one-on-one, deliberately share a small mistake you made that week and what you learned from it. Start small and build up.

• Reframe "Mistakes" as "Learning Opportunities": Consciously change your internal dialogue and external language. Instead of "I messed up," try "That didn't go as planned, and here's what I'll do differently next time."

5. Clear and Honest Communication

Definition: The ability to express thoughts, feelings, and intentions directly, transparently, and respectfully, even when the message is difficult or uncomfortable. This includes setting boundaries.

Developmental Stages:

• Emerging: Avoids difficult conversations; tends to be vague or indirect; struggles to express personal needs or boundaries.

• Developing: Attempts honest communication but may sometimes be overly blunt or too soft; struggles with delivering critical feedback constructively; avoids some challenging topics.

• Proficient: Communicates directly and respectfully, even in challenging situations; provides constructive feedback effectively; clearly articulates personal needs and boundaries.

• Mastery: Consistently fosters open and honest dialogue; creates a psychologically safe environment for challenging conversations; skilled at navigating conflict with integrity and transparency.

Suggestion for Development:

• Practice "I" Statements: When expressing feelings or needs, use "I" statements ("I feel X when Y happens because Z") rather than accusatory "you" statements. This focuses on your experience and is less likely to trigger defensiveness.

• Prepare for Difficult Conversations: Before a challenging conversation, script out key points you want to convey. Anticipate potential reactions and how you'll respond. Focus on the desired outcome and how to achieve it respectfully.

By focusing on these skills, leaders can cultivate authentic vulnerability, fostering deeper trust and stronger relationships within their teams and organisations. It's a journey, not a destination, and continuous self-reflection and practice are key to ongoing development.

The Quote

>>> Eckhart Tolle's work is focused around spiritual enlightenment and awakening of purpose.

I like this quote as a reminder to not live in our 'idealised' image, or the 'idealised' image others may have of us.

It allows space for our flawed human selves to show up.

The Enneagram insights into Trust

​We each resonate with one of the nine Enneagram types. As a profiling tool it helps us connect to and understand the motivations which drive our patterns of behaviour.

The approach offers insights into the trust patterns of each type. Just knowing that trust for you, is unlikely to be the trust needs of someone else is a helpful start. With detailed understanding, a more solid bridge of trust can be built between you.

Many leaders I work with start their coaching journey with their personalised Enneagram insight report. To uncover your core type, check out the Emerge Package.

In this issue, we're exploring a fundamental building block of connection: trust.

And what better lens to explore this through than the transformative wisdom of the Enneagram? Each type, with its unique motivations and fears, approaches trust differently. Understanding these nuances can truly empower us to build stronger, more authentic bonds in our lives.

Let's unpack what builds and breaks trust for each Enneagram type.

The Enneagram and the Dance of Trust

Type 1: The Strict Perfectionist

For the meticulous Strict Perfectionist, trust blossoms with integrity, consistency, and a strong ethical compass. They need to see that you walk your talk, that your actions align with your words, and that you uphold high standards. Trust can waver if they perceive inconsistency, moral compromise, or a lack of accountability. When a Type 1 builds trust, it's often by demonstrating their own reliability and strong principles. They can deepen trust with others by practicing compassion and understanding when imperfections arise, rather than letting a focus on perfection be the sole standard.

Type 2: The Considerate Helper

The generous Considerate Helper feels trust when their efforts and generosity are genuinely acknowledged and appreciated. They feel safe when their care is truly seen, not just taken for granted. Trust can be broken if they feel used, unappreciated, or that their giving is being taken advantage of without reciprocity. To build trust, Type 2s can learn to set healthy boundaries and allow themselves to receive care and support, rather than constantly being the giver.

Type 3: The Competitive Achiever

For the dynamic Competitive Achiever, trust is built when you value them for who they are, not just what they achieve or how they perform. Recognizing their authentic self beyond their accomplishments is key. Trust can be challenged if they feel their image is being undermined, or if you don't acknowledge their contributions. When Type 3s build trust, vulnerability is their superpower. Owning mistakes and showing their human side, rather than just projecting success, cultivates deeper credibility.

Type 4: The Intense Creative

The unique Intense Creative thrives on emotional honesty and authenticity. They crave depth and want to connect on a deeply real level. Trust is broken by superficiality, insincerity, or dismissal of their intense emotions. They need to feel seen and understood in their unique experiences. Type 4s build trust by offering their genuine selves, including their vulnerabilities. Consistent authenticity helps others feel that they are reliable and safe, even amidst their emotional depth.

Type 5: The Quiet Specialist

For the analytical Quiet Specialist, trust is fostered by respecting their space, their need for autonomy, and their thoughtful processing time. Don't force immediacy or demand quick emotional responses. Trust erodes if they feel invaded, pressured, or if their need for privacy and boundaries is disregarded. To build trust, Type 5s can challenge themselves to share more of their inner world – intellectually and, when comfortable, emotionally – allowing others to connect with them beyond the purely rational.

Type 6: The Loyal Sceptic

The vigilant Loyal Sceptic builds trust through reliability, transparency, and consistent follow-through. They need to know you are dependable and that you will show up as promised. Trust can be shattered by inconsistency, betrayal, or hidden agendas. They are constantly scanning for what might go wrong. Type 6s cultivate trust in others by leaning into their own self-trust. When they act with conviction from their inner compass, others feel more deeply secure in their loyalty and commitment.

Type 7: The Enthusiastic Visionary

The adventurous Enthusiastic Visionary finds trust in grounded optimism and shared positive experiences. Matching their energy while also demonstrating consistency and follow-through is vital. Trust can break if they perceive restrictions, negativity, or a lack of commitment to plans. They appreciate freedom and spontaneity. To build trust with others, Type 7s can focus on staying present and consistently following through on their commitments, turning their exciting visions into tangible realities.

Type 8: The Active Controller

For the powerful Active Controller, trust is earned through directness, honesty, and strength. They trust those who are forthright, who don't back down, and who demonstrate competence. Trust can be severely damaged by deception, weakness, manipulation, or attempts to control them. When Type 8s build trust, showing vulnerability and genuinely listening to others can be transformative. This invites others to trust them, replacing potential fear with true connection.

Type 9: The Adaptive Peacemaker

The harmonious Adaptive Peacemaker trusts when there is harmony, deep listening, and a sense of shared peace. They appreciate environments free of conflict and feel safe when their presence is welcomed and valued without needing to assert themselves. Trust can be broken if they feel overlooked, ignored, or if their desire for peace is steamrolled. To build trust, Type 9s can learn to speak up and take a stand for their own opinions and needs. This clear assertion, rooted in their desire for genuine connection, builds clarity and confidence in their relationships.

Cultivating Deeper Bonds

Understanding these Enneagram insights isn't about boxing people in, but about creating pathways for deeper empathy and connection.

It’s a journey of self-awareness that ultimately leads to more fulfilling and authentic bonds.

Get in touch to start your Enneagram exploration felicity@bendtheriver.org

The Reflection Question

Work with me

Everything starts with an Intro Chat

If you'd like to work with me as your coach or coach supervisior, let's get some time in the diary. We will explore what you're hoping for, get a feel for our relationship and cover options.

Reach out today, if for no other reason that you will be clearer about something by the end of our call! felicity@bendtheriver.org

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Next Flow with Felicity coming out, first Friday of the month, 5th September 2025.

What grabbed your interest?

If this prompts you to do something different or supports a reframe, I'd love to celebrate and support the changes you are making. Keep me in the loop :) I love an update.

felicity@bendtheriver.org

See you next month :)