Looking Forward | Unpacking Trust Beliefs | Trust in the WE Space | Invitation to be a Practice Partner | Enneagram 5 Profile: Quiet Specialist

In this month's Flow with Felicity,

• I look back & share my Looking Forward experience of May

• Uncover your Trust Beliefs™ in The Insight: the building block of understanding trust in relationships

• In The Tip, we focus on how to co-create Trust in the WE space and shift from level 1 to level 3 Trust

• Discover ~Bend the River principle #5 All is Relevant

• Low/No Cost Opportunity: Invitation to be my Practice Partner as I learn new coaching skills

• Learn about The Enneagram and profile 5: The Quiet Specialist

I draw on my coaching and life experiences to write this for Leaders, Founders, Life Seekers and Coaches. I hope you find value for yourself and/or for supporting those around you. #BeBetterTogether

Coach yourself towards more trust in your relationships.

How are you Flowing?

My Personal Reflection: Looking Forward

Was May only 31 days? It’s one of those months that has felt immeasurably longer, and in the most wonderful way. May truly felt expansive—more like eight weeks of time, not just four! This delightful distortion has truly got me thinking about the very nature of time itself.

This past month has been a tapestry woven with distinct moments and rich interactions. Each thread contributed to a sense of stretched time, enriching my experience of the month:

• A beautiful cycle trip with Fi to Mallorca, moving from place to place by bike and celebrating her birthday amidst new landscapes.

• Creator Day in Poole, a vibrant gathering with inspiring speakers, engaging events, and multiple heartfelt conversations spread over a dynamic 48 hours.

• An intense, yet incredibly satisfying, day trip to London, filled with precious catch-ups with four inspiring friends.

• Deep, quality time with our Canadian friends, who graced us with their stay, deepening our connections.

  
  

There’s a compelling theory that the more detailed memories you create and the more diverse experiences you embrace, the longer time feels. This absolutely sums up my May. It truly felt like it stretched far beyond the usual confines of a single month.

Neuroscientist David Eagleman's words resonate deeply with this feeling:

"Time is this rubbery thing... It stretches out when you really turn your brain resources on, and when you say, 'Oh, I got this, everything is as expected,' it shrinks up."

So, because May was a month brimming with newness, adventures, playful moments, and countless lovely conversations, time unfurled itself, feeling gloriously stretched.

Beyond the personal experience of time, the concept of time itself showed up repeatedly in many of my conversations.

Looking forward, themes of longevity and living well for longer have been particularly key. Most likely, this focus emerged because May is a month of many birthdays, and this year many friends are turning sixty.

While I'm not quite there yet, I am incredibly curious about changing the prevailing narrative that it’s all downhill from this point in life. This curiosity led me to wholeheartedly embrace a powerful question posed by Michael Bungay Stanier:

Through recent conversations, I've discovered that this isn't a question that resonates with everyone. One friend humorously remarked that making it to 20:35 that evening was the only 2035 he could possibly imagine!

Yet, this question encapsulates exactly how Fi and I feel. What more can life bring us, and how can we consciously and intentionally create that rich future over the next two (maybe even three) decades? How can we plan to be able to fully enjoy our future adventures?

So this image of a fast-flowing river on a sunny day with my amazing Fi truly encapsulates the adventuring, forward-looking, and energetic life we already have and plan to continue. And I know I can step out of the river onto the banks to pause and re-energise.

One final, significant reflection from May: while I savored each distinct moment, the transition between these moments demanded conscious intention and energy from me.

The hardest shift was returning from the trip with Fi and heading straight into the series of Creator Day events. I felt a genuine reluctance to switch from our intimate two-person dynamic to a multi-person one. I was absolutely loving what I've now termed our "couple-bubble" and simply didn't want it to end. (By the way, I can't believe it's taken me 27 years of being with Fi to come up with that perfect term!)

As someone who resonates strongly with an Enneagram Profile 5, I consistently have to work hard to truly believe there is enough time for everything that comes my way. Knowing I have sufficient time to resource myself and be fully present with others, and to benefit from their energy, is always a delicate balancing act. It takes consistent practice to navigate transitions mindfully without simply hiding myself away.

So, my personal paradox became clear: knowing that more experiences stretch out time, and yet in the very moment, feeling intensely overwhelmed by layering those experiences.

Tuning into this paradox with heightened awareness enabled me to consciously choose how I spent my time.

Consequently, I adapted my plans and made the deliberate decision not to attend the very first of the Creator Day events. This thoughtful adjustment allowed me to fully connect with the following day's activities and also ease gently out of my two-person dynamic with Fi. I transitioned into a four-person dynamic with drinks with neighbours, intuitively using this as a bridge to the larger, multi-person dynamics over Creator Day.

May 2025 gifted me a powerful, tangible reminder that time is indeed elastic. It is stretchy and wonderfully elongated by laying down new memories and embracing novel interactions, rather than simply repeating the familiar.

Reflect:

• What did you do that was new in May?

• How did you experience the flow of time in May?

• What can you consciously do to stretch your time and create more expansive moments in June?

The Insight: Unpacking Trust Beliefs™

Can ‘trust’ be a standalone value, or is it a vibrant quality of relationship that blossoms from the dynamic interplay of our core values?

It’s a question that’s always fascinated me, precisely because "trust" is such a frequently used, and perhaps, often misunderstood, word. So, let’s peel back the layers and seek some clarity.

Few would argue that both extending trust and being trusted are fundamental cornerstones of thriving relationships, successful workplaces, and ultimately, stellar company performance. Think about it:

• Psychological Safety: Trust is intrinsically woven into psychological safety – that shared conviction among a group that it’s safe to take interpersonal risks. When psychological safety is high, team members feel liberated to voice their opinions, admit mistakes, and engage in constructive dialogue. The result? Enhanced performance and a more vibrant collective.

  
  

• Open Communication & Collaboration: Trust cultivates transparent and honest communication, which in turn minimises misunderstandings and friction. It’s the fertile ground where genuine collaboration takes root, as individuals are more inclined to share information and work harmoniously towards shared objectives.

  
  

• Empowerment & Autonomy: In environments steeped in trust, leaders are more likely to empower their teams, granting them greater autonomy in their work. This liberation allows individuals to take initiative, innovate in problem-solving, and contribute with deeper impact.

  
  

• Reduced Stress & Burnout: It's no surprise that employees in high-trust settings report less stress and burnout, contributing to overall well-being and sustained engagement.

  
  

• Adaptability to Change: Trust imbues organisations with agility and resilience. When employees trust their leaders, they are far more likely to embrace change, adapt to new circumstances, and navigate transitions with greater ease.

  
  

However, where the waters can get a little murky is around how trust is actually built, and whether it can truly stand alone as a value.

This month, I’ve been working with a client focusing on their leadership style and presence as they prepare for their next career chapter. During an exercise to reconnect with their values, the word "Trust" surfaced. This sparked a fascinating conversation about what trust truly meant for them. What was their personal definition? When did they find it easier to trust someone? And crucially, what behaviours would utterly erode their trust?

Let’s begin our exploration with the Merriam-Webster definition of Trust:

Let’s unpack this:

• Firm: This implies a steadfastness, a lack of fickleness – a solid, consistent presence of trust.

• Belief in: When we believe in something, we hold it to be true. It's a conviction.

• Character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something: This is the heart of what we are evaluating when we speak of trust. It’s the ‘nitty-gritty’ of our assessment.

• Confidence: I see a profound connection here with 'belief'. Confidence brings an ease to relationships, a loosening of the reins of control.

  
  

So, where does this take us?

Trust is, in essence, an evaluation – an assessment of someone or something. It emerges between us, a beautiful dance between what I believe and what you do, and what I do and what you believe. This interplay cultivates a sense of confidence, imbuing relationships with solidity and stability. I like to think of it as contributing to both the strength and elasticity of a connection.

Therefore, the powerful question becomes: What do you need to see, hear, and feel (and over what period of time) for you to believe in the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something?

Knowing your own trust needs, what I call Trust Beliefs™ – what you specifically prefer to see, hear, and feel – is, quite simply, life-changing.

It empowers you, as a leader and in all your relationships, to articulate with clarity what you prefer others to demonstrate for you to willingly offer your trust. Equally vital, it enables you to be crystal clear about the behaviours that, for you, irrevocably erode trust. This clarity allows your relationships to evolve, rather than stagnate.

And here's another transformative insight: recognising that what builds trust for you is not necessarily the same for everyone else is truly life-enhancing. This is consistently evident in my work with individuals, pairs, and teams. When these individual 'trust models' are brought into the light and clarified, the flow of interaction shifts dramatically, and the quality of the relationship elevates to a whole new level.

The clearest clues to understanding your own unique trust model can often be found nestled within your core values.

Let's imagine you're delegating a piece of work. Perhaps you’re a leader, a manager, or collaborating with peers. You haven't worked closely with this person before, and you lack a historical platform of evidence to evaluate their capability and capacity.

Taking ten common values, let’s explore examples of how trust may be built and may be eroded for each.

[IMPORTANT NOTE: These are merely examples, expressed in my language. Treat them as suggestions for your own exploration, rather than definitive facts. My deepest encouragement to you is to articulate these in your own authentic words.]

• The ORDER Value: You value knowing the sequence of events. You might instinctively ask, "What’s the first step?" or "What’s the best way to approach this?" You likely have systems for tackling projects.

  • Trust builds: When you observe others planning out a project, meticulously considering the steps involved. Confidence blossoms from the belief that the other person understands how to approach the work.

  • Trust erodes: When there's a complete lack of sharing about the process or how they intend to get from start to finish.

    
    

• The TRANSPARENCY Value: You value open and direct communication about the status of work.

  • Trust builds: When others openly share what’s going well, any concerns they have, and clearly outline where help might be needed.

  • Trust erodes: When there’s an unsettling silence at the project’s inception and throughout. An absence of thoughts, feelings, or updates from the other person leads to doubt.

    
    

• The RELIABILITY Value: You value a "do what you say" approach; a strong follow-through.

  • Trust builds: When commitments are delivered precisely as promised.

  • Trust erodes: When actions consistently fail to align with words.

• The TIME Value: You place significant value on timelines and deadlines. You like to know when work will be completed.

  • Trust builds: When timings for a piece of work are confirmed and carefully considered, showing an understanding of how long something will genuinely take.

  • Trust erodes: When it appears there’s insufficient time allocated to complete the work, and deadlines are consistently missed with explanations like "I ran out of time."

• The AUTONOMY VALUE: You value self-starting and the freedom to complete work in your own way.

  • Trust builds: When you are given the space and independence to get the job done as you see fit.

  • Trust erodes: When you are micro-managed, constantly told how to do the work, or your methods are questioned. Or simply when others who are experienced want to be told what to do and how to do it.

• The FAIRNESS Value: You value a level playing field and believe everyone should be treated equitably.

  • Trust builds: When you hear that others are being asked to deliver the same volume and standard of work as you.

  • Trust erodes: When it appears to you that requests made of you differ from those made to others, with no discernible reason. Or when others seek favouritism from you.

  
  

• The TENACITY Value: You value overcoming problems and challenges, striving against adversity.

  • Trust builds: When someone openly discusses the problems they foresee, and demonstrates confidence and determination to find a way around them.

  • Trust erodes: If someone becomes fixated on a problem, unable to see beyond it, or doesn’t know how to resource themselves to persevere.

• The CURIOSITY Value: You value questions and a genuine interest in the "why," "what," "when," and "which."

  • Trust builds: When someone asks you insightful questions about the work to be done, seeking deeper understanding.

  • Trust erodes: When you’re met with a dismissive "Leave it with me," implying no need for further discussion or insight.

• The LOYALTY Value: You place high value on those who stand by you, defend you, and align with your perspective.

  • Trust builds: When you consistently feel the unwavering presence and support of others around you.

  • Trust erodes: When others are conspicuously absent, or, worse, fail to reinforce your perspective when it matters.

  
  

• The SOLUTIONS Value: You place value on hearing and finding the way forward, the resolution.

  • Trust builds: When the conversation focuses on "Which Way?" rather than "No Way."

  • Trust erodes: When the sole focus is on meticulously detailing the problem, to the exclusion of any potential solutions.

  
  

If you search for "Trust" on the web, you'll inevitably encounter various iterations of "Trust Triangles." Some of these triangles are, quite simply, one person’s values encapsulated into a geometric shape. For example: "authenticity, immediacy, and transparency"; or "logic, empathy, authenticity"; or "emotional connection, reliability, credibility."

While these frameworks might resonate and appear to be a good indication of what trust is, look closely, and you might realise they are fundamentally a representation of the person offering the framework. They may not reflect what trust is for you. They are not your Trust Beliefs

You’ll observe the same phenomenon with many popular "trust" quotes. They are, quite literally, a snapshot of what trust means to one individual.

There’s one further observation I can offer: the values which, when evidenced, contribute to trust in relationships, often shift depending on the context and its inherent pressures. What builds trust in one relationship may not be identical to what builds trust in another. Work may be different from personal and similarly, trust dynamics can vary from one business setting to the next. The prevailing values of the context – be it business, family, or community – exert a strong influence.

In the Gestalt approach I embrace, trust is built on recognising and accepting the individual's innate capacity to self-regulate and discover their own solutions. It's about trusting the individual's inner wisdom and the process of self-discovery, rather than relying on external authority.

This resonates deeply with me because it champions self-sufficiency, a powerful value of mine. It embodies a clear belief that we are inherently enough, and that through self-discovery, more of our true selves can emerge. This positive, 'glass half full' perspective also aligns perfectly with my values, and thus, I place my trust in it.

So, instead of seeking external definitions, I invite you to embark on a profound exploration of trust through the lens of your own values, to build your own Trust Beliefs™ and the values of those you engage with.

When we approach trust with intentionality, rather than leaving it to chance, it transforms our relationships from merely functional to truly flourishing.

It is, in every sense, life-enhancing.

Know Your Trust Beliefs™: Trusting Others & Being Trusted

If you know your values, ask yourself, for each one:

• What can others do/say/show that meets my need?

• What erodes my trust if they are not met by others? (This will illuminate what truly breaks your trust.)

• And conversely, if these are consistently met by someone else, how does that enable you to put your trust in them? (See the examples above for inspiration.)

If you don't yet know your values, tune into your Trust Beliefs™ to unearth your values.

[alternatively, do an exercise such as this one to surface your values)

Notice which of your own values feel met and respected when you experience being trusted by others.

• "I feel/experience trust when someone does/says/shows…"

• "My value that is being met is…"

Examples:

• "I feel trusted when I’m left to my own devices to get it done."

  • My value that is met is Autonomy.

• "I feel trusted when someone tells me that they know I’m the person for the job."

  • My value that is met is Competence.

Clarifying Your Trust Beliefs™ for Others

To foster deeper connections, you can articulate your personal Trust Beliefs and indicate how others can best work with you to contribute towards Trust in your relationship.

"My Trust Beliefs™ are_________________, ______________, and _____________ so I find it easier to be trusting when those I work with work we me in this way:......

A. _________________________________________________________________________________

B. _________________________________________________________________________________

C. _________________________________________________________________________________

When my Trust Belief™ of ______________is not met, I have to work harder at continuing to trust others. It will help our relationship if you can avoid doing:

_______________________________________________________________________________

The Tip: Trust in the WE space

Q. "What does trust look like for you?"

Response: "Well of course, it's no different from that of everyone, it's..."

How often have we found ourselves thinking this when it comes to trust?

Yet, after a decade of asking every client, I can confidently say that what you need to trust is not the same for everyone. This month, let's get curious about trust for you, and then, crucially, don't assume it's the same for everyone else.

If The Insight was about knowing your own Trust Beliefs™, The Tip is about how to build co-created trust.

Typically, trust is built through three levels, each contributing to psychological safety and increasing the risk-taking and elasticity feasible within a relationship. It's a conscious move towards a "WE" space, away from a "Me and You" dynamic.

For each level, there are simple, powerful conversations you can hold.

Level 1: Finding Common Ground

This is where we connect in our similarities, fostering a sense of "we like each other." It might be a shared vision, a love for cookies, or a mutual passion for a cause. Icebreakers often target this level of conversation in teams.

Action: Initiate conversations that reveal shared interests and values.

• Share what matters to you: Talk about your passion for the work you do, your current stage of life, what led you to your career, or a few key insights into your personal life.

• Ask these questions of others: Listen with genuine curiosity to discover commonalities.

  
  

Level 2: Intentional Understanding

This level is about consciously knowing each other to build a robust Platform of Value™ (Read more in March 25 issue). This requires a deeper level of conversation that demonstrates both self-awareness of your own values and ways of working, as well as curiosity and empathy for how others operate. It's about acknowledging that "my way is best" might be true for you, but it's not universally true.

Action: Have the direct trust conversation.

• Define your trust landscape: What makes and breaks trust for you? Share your core values and your key trust 'make or break' points.

• Explore differences and similarities: Find out if your trust landscape aligns with or differs from those you're working with. This is incredibly powerful for upward managing your boss or at the start of a new project.

• Agree on boundaries: Collectively decide what behaviours need to be minimised to protect trust.

• Consider the context: Ask, "What does this situation require of us? How might that contribute to our trust and/or have the potential to erode it?"

• Plan for repair: Discuss, "How will we repair if we notice trust is at risk of erosion?"

  
  

Level 3: Response-ability

At this final level, we can truly rely on each other, possessing both the confidence and capability to adjust and flex to each other and the situation. The trust resides within the "WE" space you've collectively created, not just in individual capabilities. You trust in the elasticity of the relationship, knowing you will work it out together.

Action: Engage in feedback conversations to foster elasticity.

• Provide specific feedback: Once you've had some examples of working together, share feedback that reinforces what's working and what can be improved.

• Utilize these example feedback statements:

  • "When I see/hear you do X, I notice that I find it harder to trust you. It clashes with my value of Y. Would you be willing to try it like this?"

  • "When I see/hear you do X, it’s such a match for my value. It makes it so easy for me to trust you. Thank you, please keep doing that."

  • "When we interact like X, I experience trust as high. What’s it like for you?"

• Reinforce the "WE": Discuss, "What are WE doing well together that nurtures trust?"

Response-ability: you are both taking time to consider your responses and building your ability to have a diffeernt kind of conversation, whilst sharing the responsibility for the quality of trust in your relationship.

I hope these actionable steps help you avoid falling into the "trust trap" of believing we're all the same; empowering you to build stronger, more resilient relationships by understanding and co-creating trust with those around you.

Know yourself, know each other and consider the pressures of the context. Help not hinder each other.

The Quote

>>> Writing about Trust Beliefs™ took me towards a quote which encapsulates and values our differences.

We each bring our value to the various systems of our lives. It is the difference of those parts that build strength and versatility. The concept of a mosaic respects our individualism whilst valuing the whole.

I know I don’t want to be an amalgamation, or work to the lowest common denominator, do you?

~Bend the River Principle #5

💚 All as Relevant = Deviations, diversions and detours are welcomed for what they tell us. They are there for a reason. Sometimes their relevance is not always immediately obvious. At other times, they light the way forward.

This principle is rooted in Gestalt philosophy. It encourages us to not dismiss or be flippant about the small things that arise. Take as an example, that my first reflection of May was that it was a long month. By paying attention to this feeling, a stream of thinking and insights emerge. We listen out to the details waving at us and take the wisdom they offer.

Low/No Cost Opportunity

Nurture your relationship with YOU

Book in chat time: https://calendly.com/felicity-btr/intro-meeting-practice-partner

WANTED: Practice Partner for Internal Family Systems (IFS) coach training June - Nov

In the attached 2025 Learning Focus, find out how I’m knitting IFS together with Dan Siegel's Interpersonal Neurobiology and the Enneagram to enhance the depth of work with my clients.

• I’m seeking a practice partner. I learn best through application, so I’m inviting volunteers from my community to be my clients during this time of training.

• If you’re a coach, I’m particularly interested to help you explore and deepen who you are & how you show up with your clients. Consider it a blend of coaching and supervision.

• If you’re a leader, entrepreneur or life seeker, IFS is effective for deepening the connection with oneself and building self-esteem, for fostering enhanced communication and emotional understanding in relationships, and providing tools for emotional regulation and resilience to reduce stress.

• For each practice partner, I’m looking for a commitment to work together in  6 x 1hr sessions taken between June and November. Sessions are one to one.

• If you’d like to make a financial contribution as a client for the practice time together, I’d value donations to my Change for Good charity donation fund at £40/hr of coaching. Equally, there is no obligation to make this contribution.

• If you’re interested, book in a 45 min catch up with me here or send me an email at felicity@bendtheriver.org

Be prepared for depth! Commit by end of June.

The Enneagram and profile 5: Quiet Specialist

The Enneagram gives us a useful start point for re-discovering our natural self. It unlocks and supports the journey of self-discovery and uncovers the patterns of behaviour that subconsciously drive and motivate behaviour patterns. 

When we make these motivations conscious, we are able to transcend them and develop richer, more supportive ways of being. Working with this model empowers individuals to take the first step of responsibility for their own behaviours and growth, through a greater understanding of why they act and react the way they do. 

​

As someone who predominantly resonates with the Ennea 5 profile, I naturally gravitate towards quiet as a way of protecting my time and energy. At it's worst it can tend towards isolating myself. Each type brings it's own strength to the world and my perspective as an observer brings objectivity and a knack of connecting pieces into themes and pictures. It is the essence of my signature style of calm clarity.

Get in touch to start your Enneagram exploration felicity@bendtheriver.org

The Reflection Question

Work with me

Everything starts with an Intro Chat

If you'd like to work with me as your coach or coach supervisior, let's get some time in the diary. We will explore what you're hoping for, get a feel for our relationship and cover options.

Reach out today, if for no other reason that you will be clearer about something by the end of our call! felicity@bendtheriver.org

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Next Flow with Felicity coming out, first Friday of the month, 4th July 2025.

What grabbed your interest?

If this prompts you to do something different or supports a reframe, I'd love to celebrate and support the changes you are making. Keep me in the loop :) I love an update.

felicity@bendtheriver.org

See you next month :)