Cliff Perspective | Your Relationship with YOU | Think Onion | Invitation to be a Practice Partner

In this month's Flow with Felicity,

• I share my Cliff Perspective experience of April

• It all starts with you in The Insight: The Core Step to bringing strength and elasticity to your relationships

• In The Tip, I share Think Onion to peel back the layers of Who You Are

• Discover ~Bend the River principle #1

• Low/No Cost Opportunity: Invitation to be my Practice Partner as I learn new coaching skills

I draw on my coaching and life experiences to write this for Leaders, Founders, Life Seekers and Coaches. I hope you find value for yourself and/or for supporting those around you. #BeBetterTogether

How are you Flowing?

My Personal Reflection: Cliff Perspective

The sun is out and it is a week for getting out and about, not sitting and writing this!  I can feel the action orientated part of me wanting to tick it off the list, so it’s taking some resolve to invite in my reflective self to partner with my ‘actioneer’ to emerge the wisdom from the last month. I’ve had an idea about how to do this a bit differently….

This month I attended a short writing workshop (with Beverley Glick, author of In Your Own Words) which encouraged the approach of building a Life Dictionary. There were some key questions to prompt words which capture your life at different stages. And from those words, to then to free flow write for 5 mins.

So, I’m going to adapt it as a reflection process for the last month, in the hope that it appeals to both parts of me - the active and the reflective.

Here are my prompt questions, to create some words:

• Which word bought joy?

• Which word bought discomfort?

• Which word triggered you?

• Which word would you like to discard?

My words (in order to the q’s) are Harry’s Rocks, thumb, roast dinner, lost.

Rather than share my ramblings with you, here are the reflective insights I took from the writing:

• Harry’s Rocks - Perspective is ever-present & there when you need it. Just go outside.

• Thumb - Pay Attention! Opening up packaging with a sharp blade whilst not paying attention for 2 seconds can have a knock on impact for weeks. Something small can create far-reaching limitations.

• Roast Dinner - Breathe, connect to compassion then respond. Words from our parents can still sting our hearts, even in our 50s.

• Lost - Feeling lost is simply a state of uncertainty. Not being able to see the future is part of the process of allowing the future to show up. Stick with it.

It’s a month in which I feel like I’ve been having many conversations with myself, and writing it out is a good approach to create distance and perspective with one’s inner thoughts. Its helped bring me some clarity and showed me what steps I can be taking now, even if I do still feel that there is further I want to go.

It doesn’t feel like there’s a river image calling to me, so I’m changing my rules, and sharing with you Old Harry’s Rocks. This scene bought me huge joy and a sense of spaciousness this April. I was solo walking from Swanage to home, over Ballard Down, along the cliff tops and Studland beach. I’m calling it Cliff Perspective.

Like the writing exercise giving perspective, standing on the cliff edge looking out towards the isolated rock rising from the sea and seeing the varying depths of the water in the vibrant colours, reminds me that stepping back to see more is supportive. And in this case, literally safer!

Thank you for being a witness to where and who I am in my life.

Try it Out for Yourself:

1. Ask the questions and emerge some words

2. To free-flow write: Pick one of the words, grab a blank piece of paper and pen, set a 5 min timer and write without judgement or editing. It is a stream of consciousness. What colours, images, thoughts, sensations, feelings arise with the word? What’s the past, present, future of that word? If you draw a blank, write ‘I’ve drawn a blank’. Just keep writing.

3. When you’ve finished writing. Read it back and ask yourself: What is the wisdom for me in this story?

4. What image encapsulates your wisdom?

Reflect:

• What can you let go of to allow more of something else to emerge?

• What do you need for the month ahead?

  
  

The Insight

Your Relationship with YOU is the Core Step in flourishing your relationships

The relationship you have with yourself is the Core Step to thriving the relationships with others.

Whether you are a leader, entrepreneur or life seeker and whether your relationships are for work, with family or lovers, this is still true.

It’s probably not new news. The phrase ‘love yourself first before you expect others to love you’ is one I expect many of us know. The question is how to go about it in a way that is beneficial for leading teams, achieving influence and building long-lasting relationships.

What is resoundingly clear from the various teachings I’ve tapped into over the last 15years of being a coach, is that building a relationship with yourself is NOT these things:

• Focusing on the bits of you that you like & saying they are your values

• Suppressing or minimising the bits of you and their behaviours that you don’t like or understand

• Having repeated internal conversations about how to fix who you are

• Judging yourself in the drive for self-improvement

• Becoming attached to an idea of yourself

• Being influenced by the ‘shoulds’ of who you are told to be

It’s as simple as ABC:

• Accepting all of you is of value

• Believing nothing in you is missing or bad

• Creating healthy connections between your parts, pathways and experiences

Your strength and flexibility in all your relationships starts with you, and how you knit together all your many voices and parts.

When you work on the quality of the integration of your parts and pathways, there is a move towards wholeness. Wholeness within you that you can bring to your relationships with others.

It’s not the only step, but it is a Core Step.

Be Better Together coaching takes a YOU FIRST approach to supporting you with your relationships. You may have already made good progress with knowing who you are, acknowledging all your parts and understanding the drivers of your patterns of interaction. Or you may just be starting. We work from your starting point. Think Onion to see what you know and may not yet know about yourself.

Curious for an in-depth dive? See the Opportunity for a low/no cost way to experience coaching with me.

Some further background

I keep Kegan & Lahey’s 3 stages of adult development in the back of my mind when working with both coaching and supervision clients. Essentially, we move from being ruled by our impulses, to our individual needs, then to fitting in, then to having our own internal compass, and finally to a more flexible and interconnected way of seeing things. These aren't strict boxes, but more like a journey of increasing self-awareness and understanding.

It’s in the Self-Authoring and Self-Transforming stages that we free ourselves from ourselves, and the expectations of others. Which in turn unlocks the full potential of relationships.

Kegan & Lahey’s 3 Stages of Adult Growth:

Think of how we make sense of ourselves and the world evolving as we mature:

1. Socialized: Defined by belonging and adopting the views of our groups.

2. Self-Authoring: Developing our own internal values and beliefs.

3. Self-Transforming: Seeing our own beliefs as one of many perspectives, embracing complexity.

   
   

Awareness from exploration brings you clarity and more choice. It opens up possibilities that were previously hidden to you. The sense of stuckness shifts and dissipates allowing energy and movement.

Learning to look inside oneself takes patience, an open-mind, compassion and practice. Suspend judgement!

References:

• Kegan, R. and Lahey, L.L. (2016). An Everyone Culture. Becoming a deliberately developmental organisation. Harvard Business School Publishing.

The Tip: Think Onion

When you think you know who you are, it’s probably time to peel back another layer and dive a little deeper.

In my first coach training, now 16 years ago, we were asked to think of ourselves as onions, with each layer representing something of ourselves.

I’d love to say that I can remember either the model or what I wrote, but it’s not the case! I still like it as a metaphor.

If you feel ready to peel back another layer, or just want to take a sense check of where you are, here are some questions I find useful to reflect upon.

Perhaps scan them all, and dive into ones that you don’t yet know the answer to, or go deep dive and answer them all and see what new links and connections you make.

What do others know me for? What’s my reputation?

How do others describe you? What do they say you are like to work with/for? Ask others if you don’t yet know this. Capture 5 words/ short phrases. It can be useful to check in with yourself on the answers: Is this what you want to be known for?

What patterns of interaction do I have?

Notice which role you predominantly adopt and which ones less so: 

mover/initiator | follower | opposer | bystander

[Source: Kantor]

Who / where did you learn that from?

What patterns of safety and protection towards myself do I have?

When under stress, what do you typically do? Speak out, ask for help, hide away, ask lots of questions, get stuck in headspace, get angry and so on. Ask yourself: how does this pattern keep me safe and protect me?

What work style preferences do I have?

Here are a few examples which highlight that we are not all the same.

Do you: Spend time in the Past/ Present/ Future? Start with Action/ Theory or Structure? Solution first or Problem first? Prefer Giving or Receiving?  Start relationships with High Trust or Low Trust? Look for Similarities or Differences when meeting others?

What core values influence my actions?

These are the guidelines which consciously/ unconsciously show through your actions. Here’s a quick and easy way to get a first view of yours: https://personalvalu.es/personal-values-test. For each word create a short sentence which defines your meaning of that word. 5-10 values.

What beliefs sit behind my values?

These are statements about how you perceive the world. Take each value and write down a world ‘truth’ for each one. For example, if your value is Transparency, the belief may be ‘I believe the world is better when nothing is hidden away’. Probe with the WHY question.

What is my underlying driving motivation?

Have a look through these 9 Enneagram motivations and see which one(s) resonate with you:

1. Do the right/good thing

2. Be liked and appreciated

3. Outshine the rest

4. Be Unique

5. Have understanding

6. Be safe and belong

7. Experience it all

8. Be in control and strong

9. Keep the balance

   
   

What is purposeful to me?

This is what gets you up in the morning. It can be one big purpose (though that’s quite rare), for many of us, it’s easier to answer what is purposeful. It brings you motivation, energy and vitality.

Phew! How are you after that?

Peeling back the onion is not for all the time. Too much introspection leaves us isolated from the very relationships and life we are seeking.

And, know that there are times when it’s worth stepping aside to give you the attention & time to evolve and flourish. Here are a few scenarios:

• Alignment with those around you is less than you’d like

• You’re not having the impact at work you believe is possible

• You’re feeling at a crossroads in life and/or work

• You’ve lost the vital feeling of you in your life

I know from first hand experience that there are parts of me that I've met that I've had to learn to like and value.

And if we can practice liking all of ourselves, we can practice that with others too!

The Quote

>>> Also inspired by the same writing workshop, I was asked to consider my definition of legacy.

It’s always been a great question to ask. What’s the legacy you want to leave behind?

And, until now I’ve never considered what the word 'legacy' means for me.

So this one’s from me.

~Bend the River Principle #1

Balancing action with reflection is important. Sometimes we can soothe ourselves with an action, instead of staying in the icky place of unknown uncertainty. Notice your capacity to stay in uncertainty and seek to extend it. Practice with the small stuff!

💚 Slowing Down = It's natural to want to see the way forward or know what to do, and at the same time the habit of jumping to decisions and action robs us of the capacity to live with uncertainty. Taking appropriate time to breathe, expand and reflect allows for more of something else to show up.

Low/No Cost Opportunity

Nurture your relationship with YOU

Book in chat time: https://calendly.com/felicity-btr/intro-meeting-practice-partner

WANTED: Practice Partner(s) for Internal Family Systems (IFS) coach training June - Nov

In the attached 2025 Learning Focus, find out how I’m knitting IFS together with Dan Siegel's Interpersonal Neurobiology and the Enneagram to enhance the depth of work with my clients.

• I’m seeking at least 1, and up to 3 practice partners. I learn best through application, so I’m inviting volunteers from my community to be my clients during this time of training.

• If you’re a coach, I’m particularly interested to help you explore and deepen who you are & how you show up with your clients. Consider it a blend of coaching and supervision.

• If you’re a leader, entrepreneur or life seeker, IFS is effective for deepening the connection with oneself and building self-esteem, for fostering enhanced communication and emotional understanding in relationships, and providing tools for emotional regulation and resilience to reduce stress.

• For each practice partner, I’m looking for a commitment to work together in  6 x 1hr sessions taken between June and November. Sessions are one to one.

• If you’d like to make a financial contribution as a client for the practice time together, I’d value donations to my Change for Good charity donation fund at £40/hr of coaching. Equally, there is no obligation to make this contribution.

• If you’re interested, book in a 45 min catch up with me here or send me an email at felicity@bendtheriver.org

Be prepared for depth! Committ by 29 May.

The Reflection Question

Work with me

Everything starts with an Intro Chat

If you'd like to work with me as your coach or coach supervisior, let's get some time in the diary. We will explore what you're hoping for, get a feel for our relationship and cover options.

Reach out today, if for no other reason that you will be clearer about something by the end of our call! felicity@bendtheriver.org

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Next Flow with Felicity coming out, first Friday of the month, 6th June.

What grabbed your interest?

If this prompts you to do something different or supports a reframe, I'd love to celebrate and support the changes you are making. Keep me in the loop :) I love an update.

felicity@bendtheriver.org

See you next month :)