The one in which I cover: Reservoir Depths | The Double-Edged Sword of the People Pleaser Driver | From Over-Giving to Clear Boundaries
I ease in with my personal reflections for September along with an invitation to reflect on how you're flowing. This month, the Insight, Tips, Quote and Reflection Questions are anchored to the theme of 'People Pleasing'.
I hope you find value for yourself and/or for working with those around you.
If you feel the need for something different, head down to the links section at the bottom.
How are you Flowing?
Reservoir Depths (first draft The Dam)
The value in the process of reflecting and writing Flow with Felicity delivered in spades this month. It’s taken me from a place of inner judgement to one of acknowledgment and appreciation of my choices and value. Over the process of reflection, the image of a reservoir dam came to mind. It captured both the sense of holding back along with the deep depths of resources; there to be used when needed.
So here’s what September has taught me (again)! That if my head is full of practical stuff, there is little space for creativity and I feel like I am holding myself back. I then tend to give myself a hard time that I’m not ‘on it’. I had complete sympathy with a client who could not find the head space to do her strategic thinking. Listening to her, helped me remember that when we are full, tired, unwell, overwhelmed, the stuff we find less habitual and natural, just becomes impossible. By focusing on what I wasn’t doing, I was also undermining the value of everything I was doing: starting with new clients, caring for family, planning for spring and summer.
From a mindset perspective, I can see several options for me at this point:
A - Give myself a hard time and tap into my ‘try harder’ driver
B - Access my inner coach, acknowledge where I am, and what I most need right now that will help bring simplicity not overwhelm
C - Tell myself a story that I’m choosing a period of reflection and consolidation not creativity
I let that percolate for 24 hours, and I feel like all three give me a bit of what I need:
I acknowledge that there are creative objectives I will regret not reaching by December. So putting purposeful energy into achieving them does matter & does require a little bit more of my ‘try hard’ energy
This process of reflection has already allowed the inner voice of judgement to subside & the ease of creativity feels more in touch.
I am better when I do different types of work in chunks. I do it within my day and week, so I should be less surprised that I have months which are more orientated towards playful creation and months more orientated towards practical actions needed in life.
I find the image of the depths of the reservoir reassuring. It puts me in touch with the depths of my reserves and gives me confidence that the flow is always present & available. To complete the reframe, I switch from naming this month The Dam, and instead choose Reservoir Depths.
Thank you for being the witness to where I am each month.
Question:
How do the seasons influence the rhythm of your work? What feels most natural for you in Autumn?
Reflect:
What is your body memory of the last month?
What images or metaphors come to mind?
What can you let go of to allow more of something else to emerge?
What do you need for the month ahead?
The Insight
The Double-Edged sword of the People Pleaser driver
Here’s a great question that I heard asked at a recent networking event - How as a People Pleaser can I set boundaries?
For Tips on that, check out the section below. First, let’s look at what we mean by a ‘People Pleaser’.
Someone who believes that they are OK in the world if their actions meet what others need or want & they are valued and liked for taking those actions.
The desire to please is a key driver which influences beliefs, thoughts and behaviours. Like all drivers (Try Hard, Be Perfect, Be Strong, Hurry Up etc..), it can have immense benefits as well as have big downsides when overdone.
A strong People Pleaser driver gives us people who are highly tuned into the needs and wants of others. This means that they bring brilliant strengths and qualities to a relationship. They are often deeply empathetic, highly caring and giving. They place their value on being of value to others. They are often orientated towards facilitating collaboration and servant leadership. They will go the extra mile to meet your known and possibly not yet known to you needs!
By helping others out, those with a strong People Pleaser driver meet their following values:
Showing considerate care to others. This demonstrates that they are a good person and are therefore likeable.
Taking action for or on behalf of others adds to a sense of feeling useful.
Being aligned & harmonious with what others want minimises a risk of conflict, separation and a feeling of not being valued and liked.
They thrive when they know they are liked. And when they are appreciated and valued for their awareness of you, understanding of you and actions for you.
I will often hear clients express their pride through how others speak of them. Eg ‘they said it was far more than they expected’. Notice that this is not the same as pride in how they approached the work, for example: ‘I was proud that I could see beyond the initial parameters and developed it further’.
People with a strong People Pleaser driver tend to be at their worst -
When they overdo meeting the needs of others at the expense of their own needs. They become overloaded with work & become both overwhelmed and guilty that they can't do all that they see is needed.
When they are not sufficiently appreciated for the work they do and the extra mile they went. They can lead to assuming that they are not liked.
When what they need is not intuitively understood by others. This often leads feelings of anger and resentment.
In short, they tend to know others better than they know themselves. You'll hear them saying “I'm happy when others are happy', If it's what you want, it's what I want'.
It’s no surprise that boundaries are tricky for people who’s actions are influenced by the pleaser driver. Boundaries are determined by our needs and values. When we are clear on our needs, it becomes easier to know our boundaries. And then there is the art of communicating that boundary in alignment with your values.
And if there is a final word of wisdom, it’s this…. It’s time to change your story.
Calling yourself a people pleaser may capture part of who you are, but it is not ALL of who you are. It's undermining and underselling your unique and amazing personality.
Give it distance from your identity.
Actively reduce it's power over you. Shift from saying 'I am a People Pleaser' and instead use a value based or 'awareness of self' statement, some examples:
Many of my actions are driven by a desire to be caring and thoughtful, so I can find it hard to say no
I've got a strong people pleaser driver that I can sometimes overdo, please feel free to say no to my offers of help
When I am less sure of myself, my people pleaser driver can kick in. If you notice me being overly helpful, please can you ask me what I need.
Talk about your values and beliefs - how they show up is within your control to evolve!
The Tip
From Over-Giving to Clear Boundaries
If you find your People Pleaser driver goes into overdrive at times & makes it hard to set boundaries and say No, I've pulled together some client insights to offer you:
Know deeply your own needs, values and vision for your life -Â particularly those which are independent of others. These are the key shapers of your boundaries. Practice daily getting to know your own needs and thoughts in life and work. Ask yourself, What do I want in this situation? Tune into how that differs from what someone else wants.
Playfully get in touch with the boundaries you currently have by asking yourself 'extreme' questions to find your no go zones. For example: Would you work for free? Would you give all your time away to others? What matters more to you, your reputation or the reputation of others?
Consider how you can show values of kindness, care, action, harmony without saying Yes to everything. Check out The Quote below & consider what the meeting point between yours and others needs can be. Practice the phrases of saying No, here are some options to play with & adapt:
Not now - I'd love to say yes, and I also know I've got a lot on so it will be a struggle to achieve right now. What flexibility is there around time? Can we talk priorities?
Not that way - I can see we could do it that way; and I can also see these benefits of doing it this way. Can we talk about how we do it?
Not me but you - If you pick this piece up, then I can focus on Y. How does that work for you?
Not my work - I can understand why you might be asking me to do this, however I'm wondering if I'm the best/right person for it? It's taking away the opportunity from X. How can I help you/them to do it?
Not ever - I love your energy around that and wish you luck with it, it's not my cup of tea.
Direct - I'm going to say no to that. How's that for you? If you'd like me to expand on why, I can.
Drill down to your core fear around what will happen if you say No. Here’s an escalating core fear that I heard from a client: 'They won’t like me; they will think I’m a horrible boss; they won’t want to work with me; they will want to leave'. What would be an alternative positive belief you can choose to hold? How can you build and find evidence to support that alternative belief?
Build your own sense of achievement without it being reliant on someone else’s perspective. Reframe your internal motivation mind talk from ‘I did a great job for that person’ to one that is not dependent on someone else's reaction eg ‘I did some great analysis and developed a new insight'.
Sense check what is really needed. Too much support can hold others back from developing their own inner resources & support. Clarify & reduce the size of what you say Yes to, with questions such as What's the bare minimum that's needed? Who/what/when/how much...? If there was one thing that I can help with...? Find value in enabling automony in others.
A final offer. Clients often find benefit in anchoring the mindset and behaviour change to something of meaning. What will be possible in your life/work when you have clearer and more solid boundaries? What makes that important to you right now?
If this is your team member/ client:
Acknowledge the driver and co-create an awareness and action plan to bring the strengths of the driver and support avoidance of over-doing the driver.
Here are some suggested discussion points:
When does it most show up?
What’s your core fear of saying No? Where does it take you?
What situations is it harder for to say No? (with whom, when?)
How can I make it easier for you to challenge back when you feel like Yes is the only option?
What does feedback need to include/ avoid for it to be motivating?
How best can I give you developmental feedback?
The Quote
>>> This quote perfectly captures a key principle I encourage in relationship work. Useful for everyone, not just those with a drive towards people pleasing.
The Reflection Question
Check out past content
If this month's content is not what you need, check out past posts on LinkedIn And/ or drop me a message at felicity@bendtheriver.co.uk with what's on your mind.
Archives
Phil Richards - The opposite of fear is belief
Coach chemistry and/or intro session?
May 24 International Coaching Week posts
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Thank you for joining me this month. For all rave testimonials, typos, helpful feedback, conversations about working together, message me on LinkedIn or drop me an email: felicity@bendtheriver.org
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