Joyful Jumbling | Refreshing Long Term Relationships | The Step by Step Guide to Visualising Impermanence

In this month's Flow with Felicity,

• I share my Joyful Jumbling experience of March

• I explore the starts and ends of Relationships in The Insight: Refreshing Long Term Relationships.

• In The Tip, I share the Step by Step Guide to using the Visualisation of Impermanence to enliven your work and life relationships.

• Discover ~Bend the River principle #2

I draw on my coaching and life experiences to write this for Leaders, Founders, Life Seekers and Coaches. I hope you find value for yourself and/or for supporting those around you. #BeBetterTogether

How are you Flowing?

My Personal Reflection: Joyful Jumbling

As I turn my attention back from the present, to the month of March, I feel an expansion of joy that emanates from my heart. It brings a smile to my face as memories of people and places from our ski road trip to the Rockies in Canada tumble in. It felt like a time of tumbling & jumbling, that bought with it oodles of joy.

The sensation brings to mind a river tumbling over and around boulders. Swooshing with speed, and like this one pictured here, bringing with it cleansing purity. Maybe because we were with a couple of Kiwis on the trip, but it seemed apt to choose a river in Fjordland on the South Island of New Zealand. It's the only place (I have visited) where you can drink the water fresh from the stream without purification.

We were away for just over 2 weeks, but the feeling of it, fills the whole month. Maybe, like a good wine, that’s the sign of a good holiday, the flavour of it lingers longer!

This was a trip of movement, both literally and figuratively. I felt fully immersed in the flow of it all. Literally, we moved about a lot: 5 ski resorts and 15 days of skiing & countless chairlifts. Plus, we counted up 30 hours of time spent on the road, travelling between ski resorts. If the snow was falling, then the skiing was non stop til a late lunch at 3pm. It was not a trip with downtime!

It’s made me aware that my favourite trips are ones which involve moving from place to place, whether it’s by bike, foot or vehicle. I love seeing the places in context to each other.

What set this one apart, was the internal movement that came from being with both the open spirited Canadians and doing it within a group of 12 randoms from all over the world and with 30 year age gap (2 Kiwis, 2 Danes, 2 Italian New Yorkers, 2 Czechs & 2 Aussies & our 2 Canadian guides) There were so many conversations every day. What a joy! I was touched, inspired, tickled, sparked, calmed and emboldened through the bountiful array of interactions with the group and the always friendly Canadians.

If you’ve been reading a while, you’ll have likely picked up that I’m a person that enjoys their space and quiet. It had been my greatest concern about the trip. How would I manage to be with a group from breakfast through to dinner? And yet, it was being part of a group that was the greatest surprise, it was the magic ingredient on this trip. It was not just the places that added to the jumble, but the people. The energetic gifts from a multitude of conversations and being part of an amazing group of ski buddies for 2 weeks was enlivening.

It’s given me confidence that I have more capacity for being in a group than I thought possible! For years, group holidays have been something I shunned. However, now with work being less intense, I have capacity for intense holidays. It’s a reminder that when circumstances change, beliefs can be updated.

Prior to the trip, we thought the adventure would come from the snow and the skiing, but it came from the jumble of people and places, taking them in like a river that passes through its landscape, swooshing between, around and over.

Thank you for being a witness to where and who I am in my life.

Questions:

• What circumstances have changed for you?

• What might be possible now that was not possible before?

• What experiments can you play with?

Reflect:

• What is your body memory of the last month?

• What images or metaphors come to mind?

• What can you let go of to allow more of something else to emerge?

• What do you need for the month ahead?

Refreshing Long Term Relationships

Using Imagined Endings to enliven and bring them up to date

Insight: Refreshing Relationships Through Imagined Endings

Have you ever wondered if visualising the premature end of a valued relationship could actually revitalise it? It might sound counterintuitive, but exploring this idea can offer profound insights into our interaction patterns. This approach is specifically for relationships you cherish and wish to nurture, not those you want to dissolve.

It harnesses the illusion of finite time to emerge what really matters & stimulates agency to take action.

The Underlying Prompts

Two key prompts sparked this thought:

1. Stagnant Dynamics: Imagine working with someone for seven years. While both of you have grown and your roles have evolved, your working relationship hasn't kept pace. Interaction patterns often solidify quickly and remain unchanged unless we consciously intervene.

   
   

2. Increased Intimacy in Finite Time: During a ski trip nearing its end, conversations became more intimate and accelerated. This wasn't just due to increased familiarity; it was driven by the awareness of limited time, prompting deeper sharing.

The Core Question

The Foundation: Understanding Relationship Patterns

This is belief is influenced by Malcolm Parlett's Gestalt field theory. This theory emphasizes the "field," highlighting that relationships exist within a dynamic context. Early interactions, power dynamics, and emotional atmospheres create a "figure-ground" formation that influences future interactions. These patterns, whether of trust or defensiveness, tend to repeat unless consciously altered.

Additionally, relationships can sometimes revert us to earlier versions of ourselves, as seen when adults regress to childhood roles around their parents.

The Power of Endings

Endings, even imagined ones, can be powerful catalysts for change. Just as the close of a workshop prompts reflection and closure, visualising a relationship's end can clarify what truly matters.

Inspired by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler's emphasis on impermanence in "The Art of Happiness" and Frank Ostaseski's focus on sacred communication in "The Five Invitations," we can recognise that awareness of impending endings can foster authentic connection. It encourages us to shed inhibitions and speak from the heart, expressing gratitude, seeking forgiveness, and sharing unspoken love. By embracing the reality of impermanence, we can release the fear of vulnerability and use the time to express gratitude, seek forgiveness, and share unspoken love, thus honouring the relationship and finding a sense of peace.

Therefore, visualising an ending can help us find the words and agency to evolve our relationships, shifting from complacency to appreciation.

Reflection Questions:

• Which work or personal relationships come to mind?

• What were the starting conditions of these relationships, and how have they shaped your interactions?

• If you had only three months left in the relationship, what would you say that has never been said / or do that has never been done?

References:

• Parlett, M. (n.d.). Gestalt Field Theory.

• Dalai Lama, & Cutler, H. C. (1998). The Art of Happiness. Riverhead Books.

• Ostaseski, F. (2017). The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully. Flatiron Books.

The Tip

A Step-by-Step Guide to Refreshing Relationships

Objective: Use the reality of impermanence to inject relevance and energy into your interactions by visualising the end of a relationship.

When to Use:

• When a long term relationship feels stagnant or regressive.

• When roles or circumstances have changed significantly.

Examples:

• Work: Long-term collaboration where roles or company dynamics have evolved.

• Personal: Long-standing friendships that feel out of sync with current life stages.

Step-by-Step Guide:

1. Set the Stage:

   • Think of the person involved and bring the experience of being with them to mind.

   • Notice your body's reactions, emotions, thoughts, and beliefs.

   • Identify a time period within the relationship that felt particularly alive.

     
     

2. Visualise the Ending:

   • Choose one of these scenarios to create a finite time to be together:

     • One of you is leaving (company/country).

     • One of you has a terminal illness (less than six months).

     • An unavoidable event that fundamentally changes the relationship.

     
     
     
     

     

     
     

   • For the scenario chosen, reflect on the following:

     • What's the history of our relationship that I want to acknowledge?

     • How has this relationship helped me be who I am today?

     • What do I want to appreciate and say thank you for?

     • What regrets do I have? What needs to be said?

       
       

3. Plan for Evolution:

   • After reflection, focus on planning:

     • What do I want for our relationship?

     • How could this relationship help me be more of who I want to become?

     • What unspoken issues need to be addressed?

     • How would evolving this relationship benefit both of us, our work, or our lives?

       
       

4. Take Action:

   • Find the words and actions to implement your insights.

   • Consciously work to evolve the pattern of interaction.

     
     

The Quote

>>> On our trip, the last hotel in which we stayed, had inspirational quotes around the lobby and lift. This one really resonated.

The trip was less about the places, but all about seeing and hearing our various different experiences of them.

One member of our group felt like an elf skiing through the trees. Before we knew it, we were all ‘elfing’ through the trees. It was a joy to see it through her eyes, and helped calm my fear! Sometimes we need others to see things afresh.

~Bend the River principle #2

The ~Bend the River approach encourages us to turn our reflections and insights into Acts of Care. Go make it happen. It's worth showing your care for others and your relationships.

💚 Acts of Care = We bring a value of considerate compassionate care into sessions to support the suspension of judgement and the inclusion of observation and objectivity. Towards you, us, others, and the situation. We go beyond thinking and feeling care into taking Acts of Care.

The Reflection Question

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Reach out today, if for no other reason that you will be clearer about something by the end of our call! felicity@bendtheriver.org

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Next Flow with Felicity coming out, first friday of the month, Friday 4th April.

What grabbed your interest?

If this prompts you to do something different or supports a reframe, I'd love to celebrate and support the changes you are making. Keep me in the loop :) I love an update.

felicity@bendtheriver.org