What's Beyond? | Your Capacity to be YOU is Expandable | Habit Stack Self-Regulation Practices | Self-Regulation Practices by Enneagram Type

In this month's Flow with Felicity you can read about:

• What's Beyond? and the questions I'm asking myself as I feel on the cusp of a transition

• Learn about how your capacity to be YOU is expandable & understand why the practicing the skills of self-regulation is crucial for elastic relationships in The Insight

• In The Tip, habit stack the 3 modes of self-regulation practices to expand your Window of Tolerance & stay in the spheres of your relationships

• Discover Cognitive Reframes and Body Work practices by Enneagram type: Self Regulation Practices by Enneagram Type

I draw on my coaching and life experiences to write this for Leaders, Founders, Life Seekers and Coaches. I hope you find value for yourself and/or for supporting those around you. #BeBetterTogether

Coach yourself towards strong and elastic workplace relationships.

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How are you Flowing?

My Personal Reflection: What's Beyond?

What next? When is next? What’s Beyond? These have been recurring questions over the last month related to work and life stage. Like this image and the river running towards the dam, it’s like I can see so far, and then I can’t see the shape or direction beyond that.

What I value (even if not always easy!), about this monthly practice and my commitment to share it with you, is that it creates the moment for me to reflect and deepen my sense of what’s going on. It breaks the pattern of the recurring thoughts and helps to stop being carried along by my dominant thoughts.

So as I play around with the idea of something shifting, with these questions: What may be shifting? What is emerging? What are the hard truths of this situation? What needs to be let go of to create space for something new?

It’s a process of tuning into work and life.

As I’m now 5 months deep into coach training Symphony of Self I’m becoming more familiar with the practice of tuning into my internal parts that are not in harmony with each other. In this context, one part of me is wanting to explore what’s shifting and is keen to move on; and another part of me is shouting loudly of my inability to stick stuff out and saying ‘you’re just giving up’. It’s a classic and familiar tension for me.

I make a note to do some self-coaching to ‘build a bridge’  between these two parts, and with my essential calm, connected, clear and curious self? Internal thought pops up...Oooh, maybe the two parts are the two sides of the valley and the dam is the bridging point? Or maybe not!

I wonder what I can learn from past transitions? I’ve learnt that transitions are a balance between cognitively choosing what you want, ‘deciding’ and allowing an answer to ‘emerge’. With deciding you’re trying to work out the answer, with pros and cons, criteria and lists. In the second, it is like an unfurling of what is possible and the next step becomes evident. As this is a change totally within my control, I can choose to follow the second pathway. However, my natural human propensity is to want to close down uncertainty gets in the way. I can hear the voice of ‘just decide’ and ‘move on’ reverberating!

I choose to anchor to patience. I decide there is no rush to get answers. It takes me one step closer to accepting that I may be arriving at in an 'in-between' place. A bit like when we’d sold our London home, and moved into a stop-gap home whilst we figured out where in the world we wanted to go.

I look for further wisdom there may be in the picture I’ve selected for the month:

• The sides of the valley suggest a channel. What is my channel? Perhaps 15 years of coaching, and 10 years of focus on the quality of relationships?

• The collection of the water in the dam could indicate the cessation of pausing of something. What if a pause of something is imminent, what is wanting to be paused? Maybe this blog (!), maybe a piece of work. Maybe all work?

• It’s not a massive river or dam, it’s small, and I know it is fed by a huge glacier. What is feeding my work, that is bigger than me? Maybe the purpose of building togetherness?

• If the dam protects those below from an onslaught of water… What do I offer that protects others? Maybe every week, at least one person, gains something that nurtures their relationships.

• If the water joins other water streams and contributes to something bigger, what is it feeding? Interesting… this feels important that what I do is part of something bigger, and at the same time, I’m not (yet) clear on what.

• And finally, What is in the distance  / valley below that I can’t see, but want to be there? Maybe something about health and co-creation time with my life partner, Fi.

[Note: you’ll see I use ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’ in my responses. This keeps it playful; it minimises attachment to an idea; it supports creativity in this phase of a transition.]

If this image holds a message for my future, what do you see? What question do you offer for my further reflection?

I’m going to let that percolate for a while and see what else comes up,  what sticks and what drops away and no longer feels useful.

Thank you for being witness to my reflection process as I venture on this transitionary period. Health warning - the home move took 6-7 years! Read more about this transition and tips for your own transitions in #9 November 2024.

Try this 5 step River Reflection Process for yourself

This process encourages reflection by using the metaphor of a river to explore the past month's experiences; to follow it for yourself:

1. Remember the Month: Start by recalling the month and bringing the feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations back into your heart, mind, and body.

2. Describe the River: Ask yourself: If the month was a river, what would it look like? Consider its colours, size, pace, quality, and depth of the water. What is the landscape like? Where are you in this river landscape, and who is with you?

3. Find an Image: Find an image (from your phone, an image library, or an AI generator) that broadly represents your experience of the month based on your description in step 2.

4. Extract the Wisdom: Look closely at the image you chose. What else is present within it? If there is wisdom for you in this picture about the past month, what is it offering you

5. Capture and Summarise: Capture and summarise the self-awareness you have gained about this past month, and define what you will take forward into the next month.

Tune into how you're flowing and strengthen your relationship with YOU.

The Insight: Your capacity to be YOU is expandable

This month we’re back to the YOU part of the Bend the River relationship approach.

Whilst I often give the YOU part quite a lot of attention (knowing YOU, building a relationship with YOU), there was a point of clarity which came to me in the last month and I wanted to pass it on.

It was inspired by a podcast hosted by Dr Rangan Chatterjee with Jonny Miller, the founder of Nervous System Mastery.

Clarity Lightbulb moment to pass on: Awareness of who you are is fantastic but on it’s own it’s not enough to create #BeBetterTogether relationships. What Jonny terms Nervous System Mastery and others like Daniel Coleman call self-regulation, is also crucial in order to ‘stay in’ the sphere of the relationship. More about spheres below!

When we have mastery of self-regulation we increase our capacity to be ourselves. And the 'self' we tend to like! Self-regulation skills help you be more YOU.

So whilst I have touched on aspects of this in past issues it feels so important that I wanted to give it more focus. I’m going to draw heavily on the podcast, but with an overlay of my own examples and experiences.

You will be familiar with many self-regulation techniques journaling, meditation, breathing, yoga, reframe etc but what I really valued about Jonny’s approach is that it gave it some structure, and with my overlay of the Enneagram, it goes some way to explaining why some techniques work well for me but not for you. For Enneagram insights, see this section below.

When our inner state is in turmoil, this shapes how we experience life. And how we react to what is happening around us and with others. This can then distort and disrupt our behaviours, taking us away from how we like to show up.

What’s your type of Reactivity?

Which of these two broad types of reactivity sound most like you? What do you notice you tend towards when triggered by something or someone?

• Hyperarousal - This is an over activation of the sympathetic nervous system. It shows up as anger, aggression, intensity. irritability, hypervigilance, racing thoughts, or an urge to lash out or flee. It leads to feelings of overwhelm, reactivity and the capacity for clear, rational thinking is diminished.

• Hypoarousal - This is a state of "shutting down" or "freeze," involving the parasympathetic nervous system. It shows up as collapsing, shutting down, guarding against; emotional numbness, fatigue, dissociation - it’s a process of withdrawing emotional availability & the capacity for processing information and responding to others is diminished.

For me, as a Enneagram Type 5, it’s predominantly HYPOarousal. I have many memories of walking out; of crawling under the duvet; of hiding in toilets; of going silent. Of an absolute stillness inside that there is nothing. No emotion, no thinking. Totally blank and it feels like I barely breathe, I sit immobilised.  At other times,  I have just wept.

Sometimes it’s been HYPERarousal followed quickly by Hypoarousal. In the HYPER state of arousal, I literally explode. I want to hit; run at things; scream; throw stuff and so on. The intensity of the violence within me is shocking and terrifying. For me and those around me. They leave me with intense shame, so I exit and withdraw.

Neither is great for staying in the sphere of a relationship.

My first intro into tuning into my body and understanding my reactivity came via my MSc in Organisational Change. It was part of the module “Self as Instrument”. Imagine using your body like a tuning fork in the service of those you’re working with. I’m happy to say that 11 years on, the reactivity of above is incredibly rare because I’ve been practicing the 3 things which Jonny advocates.

3 modes of practices to shift from being over-reactive:

1. Top Down - Cognitively reframing the meaning you are making of the situation. Choosing to think about things differently. Here’s a classic example. Grab a piece of paper and draw a messy blob on it (anywhere will do). What do you see when you look at that piece of paper? The blob? Or the white space around the blob? We choose what gets attention.

2. Bottom Up - Body practices which facilitate a release of emotional debt which is being held within the body (either consciously or consciously). These develop your ability to understand the sensations of your body, and allow them, acknowledge them; allowing them to release.

3. Outside In - Altering the external environment to change the signals you receive. This maybe more green, more light, less noise and so on.

How do you know when Reactivity has become too extreme?

It shouldn’t have triggered you but it did.

In the moment before I’m triggered I have a sense of fullness. There is no space in me for anything else. What’s it like for you? What are the first signs that help you know that you’re becoming sensitised to being triggered by even the smallest of things? When you can feel your calm, curious, compassionate self getting further and further away from you.

The Window of Tolerance is a psychological concept, coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, that describes the optimal zone of physiological and emotional arousal where a person can function most effectively.

When you're within your Window of Tolerance:

• You feel calm yet alert, present, and engaged.

• Your nervous system is regulated, allowing you to access the parts of your brain (like the prefrontal cortex) responsible for rational thought, emotional regulation, problem-solving, and empathy.

• You can manage everyday stress and emotions without becoming overwhelmed or shut down.

  
  

When stress or emotional intensity exceeds your capacity, you move outside this optimal zone and out of the Window of Tolerance into a state of dysregulation, and into hyper or hypo arousal.

Self-regulation practices bring you mastery of your nervous system and expand your Window of Tolerance.

Why is this crucial for relationships?

When you become a master of self-regulation skills and your capacity to be YOU expands, it is easier to stay in the sphere of your relationships. You're less likely to eject from from or blow them up.

Let me share the visual which comes to mind. Self regulation keeps you in the relationship. Imagine that your relationship is located within a fluid and invisible sphere.

Like a zorb. When there is tension in a relationship we can feel like we push against the outer walls of the sphere, testing its strength, and sometimes it feels like parts of us or all of us pop out of the sphere. Imagine a ghost shimmering through a wall, we disappear out of the relationship. Or it may be it’s a more violent ejection which  propels us or the other person out.

Self-regulation allows us to find the space we need without breaking open the sphere of our relationships to find it.

A wider Window of Tolerance is crucial for healthy relationships because it enables effective communication and connection, especially during conflict or stress.

By prioritising self-regulation, you maintain your capacity to be present, patient, and empathetic, which are essential for navigating the inevitable challenges of being in a relationship and fostering long-term security and trust. You can be YOU.

When we fight or bury dysregulation, the impact on our mind and bodies lasts longer. It persists. See my quote for this issue.

Why does it matter? Now more than ever?

It’s rare to meet anyone who feels spacious in life.  Who feels like there is oodles of time to do what they want at work and at home; who chooses less over more. Our western society is increasingly structured to always be on and always be receiving. Our bodies are not used to living in this way. The Sept news reported that a million year old Homo sapiens skull was discovered in China. A million years of brain development, and it’s not yet even 20 years since the first iPhone was released. Our brains and bodies are still so new to the experience of walking around with a computer in our hands.

Self-regulation may have been important to our success when Daniel Coleman released his book ‘Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ back in 1995, but now, I propose, it is critical for our survival. The survival of our sense of self in amongst the daily onslaught of even more people telling us who we should be, what we should do, and what matters in our lives.

We’re full and much more at risk of being triggered. There is so much stimulus we lose sight of ourselves. It becomes harder to be YOU.

Developing the 3 skills of Nervous System Mastery (aka Self-regulation) returns you to YOU, so expand your capacity to be YOU in your relationships & #BeBetterTogether.

For further reading on accessing the wisdom of the body, read #10 December 2024. In it, I share the key activity which helped me 'hear' my body and was the first step towards more stable emotional regulation.

The Tip: Habit Stack Self-regulation Practices

Tackle reactivity and build a capacity for self-regulation three angles. This is called habit stacking. If you’re already using Top Down Cognitive Reframes, layer in some Body Work and make some tweaks to your external environment.

1. Top Down Cognitive Reframes

2. Bottom Up Body (Somatic) Work Practices

3. Outside In Environment Changes

Commit to practice as the benefits come from attention and time.

You’re rewiring your brain’s pathways and that always takes intention, attention and practice.

For inspiration on what to do, check out the section below where I give suggestions by Enneagram Type for Body Work (Bottom Up) and Cognitive Reframes (Top Down)

Self-regulation is the ability to monitor and manage your energy state, emotions, thoughts, and behaviours. Practicing self-regulation techniques helps you develop a greater capacity to handle stress, effectively expanding your Window of Tolerance .

By tuning into your body and learning to self-regulate, you:

1. Increase Self-Awareness: You become more attuned to the early physical and emotional signs (e.g., muscle tension, racing heart, irritability) that indicate you are nearing the edge of your window, allowing for proactive intervention.

   
   

2. Utilise Grounding and Calming Body Techniques: When you feel the onset of hyper- or hypoarousal, you can employ strategies to bring your nervous system back into balance.

• For Hyperarousal: Practices that soothe and slow the nervous system, like deep, slow diaphragmatic breathing, focusing on the five senses (grounding), or gentle, repetitive movements. A longer exhale vs the length of inhale, stimulates the para sympathetic nervous system to bring them back in balance.

• For Hypoarousal: Practices that gently activate and engage the sympathetic nervous system, like physical movement (e.g., a brisk walk), changing position, or sensory stimulation (e.g., holding an ice cube).

  
  

3. Build Resilience: Consistent practice strengthens your nervous system's flexibility and capacity, making you less reactive to future stressors, thus broadening the window over time.

Go well. Develop your capacity to care for yourself.

The Quote

>>> Eckhart Tolle is well known for his book 'The Power of Now'. I also enjoyed "A New Earth'. I came across this quote when studying for my MA in Organisational Change.

It encourages exploration of emotion and sensations, acceptance and acknowledgement in contrast to resistance.

It is the resistance, and maybe even denial, that causes the tension and body pain.

Self Regulation Practices by Enneagram Type

​We each predominantly resonate with one of the nine Enneagram types. As a profiling tool it helps us connect to and understand the motivations which drive our patterns of behaviour.

In this issue, the theme is developing the skills of self-regulation to expand your capacity for staying in your Window of Tolerance, and in the spheres of your relationships.

Each personality type faces different core challenges and holds emotional energy in different ways.

What's an effective way for me to process and discharge internal tension as an Ennea 5 will not be the same for you.

The following is a summary of self-regulation practices, including body work and cognitive reframes, designed to help each Enneagram Type return to a balanced and relationally open stance.

Many leaders I work with start their coaching journey with their personalised Enneagram insight report. To uncover your core type, check out the Emerge Package.

The goal of these practices is to foster greater center balance and intelligence by shifting from ego-fixated behaviours to a more integrated expression of the self. They support you to be more YOU.

Type 1: Strict Perfectionist

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Resentment (Repressed Anger); Fixated on Perfection/Right Action.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To connect with their body's instinctual energy and access the Gift of Serenity from the Body Center.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Engage in Vigorous Physical Exercise (e.g., running, high-intensity interval training, weightlifting) to safely discharge held tension and anxious energy.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Challenge rigid thought patterns by asking: “What is good enough here?” or “What would happen if I let this be as it is?” Practice visualising release of expectations.

Type 2: Considerate Helper

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Pride (Ignoring personal needs); Fixated on Image/Helping Others.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To allow themselves to receive the Gift of Humility by turning attention inward to the Heart Center.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Practice Restorative Practices (e.g., Child's Pose, deep conscious rest) to encourage introspection and self-nurturing, acknowledging their own needs for rest.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Practice Emotion Labelling for self-nurturing: Name their own feelings first (e.g., “I feel tired,” or “I feel anxious”) to make them accessible and manageable before acting externally.

Type 3: Competitive Achiever

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Deceit (Self-promotion); Fixated on Success/Image.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To access the Gift of Authenticity by grounding themselves in the Feeling Center rather than external validation.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Practice Non-Doing Body Awareness (e.g., Shavasana, lying still in nature) to slow down, fostering connection with emotions through deep bodily awareness without the need for an outcome.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Reframe self-worth: Shift focus from their success/performance to "Who you are when you are not succeeding." Value being over doing.

Type 4: Intense Creative

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Envy (Feeling deficient); Fixated on Uniqueness/Intensity.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To achieve Emotional Balance by accepting all feelings and finding contentment in the present moment.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Combine Active Movement (e.g., Vinyasa yoga, expressive dance) with Gratitude Practices to engage in both the joy and pain of life and avoid fixation on what is missing.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Reframe emotional intensity by questioning its necessity: Ask, “Is the feeling I am having congruent with the actual situation?” Practice appreciating the ordinariness of joy.

Type 5: Quiet Specialist

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Avarice (Withdrawing energy); Fixated on Knowledge/Observation.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To move out of the Head Center and access the Gift of Engagement by connecting with their body and heart.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Practice Grounding Techniques (e.g., body scanning, sensory meditations, walking barefoot) to reconnect with physicality and open pathways from the body to emotional awareness.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Reframe thought accumulation by shifting focus to action: Ask, “What one immediate step can I take with the information I already have?” Focus on participation over preparation.

Type 6: Loyal Sceptic

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Fear (Anxiety); Fixated on Security/Worst-Case Scenarios.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To achieve inner Self-Confidence by trusting their own guidance and moving from the Head Center to the Body Center.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Practice Body-Based Release (e.g., high-repetition exercise, martial arts) to discharge the built-up anxious energy and tension (strain) stored in the body.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Trust-Building Reframe: Journaling about past experiences where risks turned out okay or where they successfully coped helps build inner confidence and ground concerns in reality.

Type 7: Enthusiastic Visionary

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Gluttony (Seeking stimulation); Fixated on Excitement/Future Planning.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To achieve Sober Delight by appreciating the richness of the present moment and accessing the Gift of Contentment.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Practice Body Activation with Presence (e.g., mindful eating, slow flow yoga, or a silent walk) to force connection with the now and counter the urge for constant motion and novelty.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Practice "Mindful Pauses": Implement a rule to pause for one minute before seeking the next experience or distraction. Reframe stimulation by finding the "enoughness" in the present.

Type 8: Active Controller

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Lust (Desire for intensity/control); Fixated on Strength/Justice.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To access the Gift of Innocence by allowing themselves to soften, relax their defences, and show vulnerability.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Engage in Heart-Opening Practices (e.g., Loving kindness meditations, specific yoga poses, intentional deep breathing) to encourage softness and lower the shield of their tough exterior.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Use a Compassion Reframe: Use mantras like, “It’s safe to let others in,” or “I can be powerful without being controlling,” to lessen the perceived need for constant vigilance.

Type 9: Adaptive Peacemaker

• Core Challenge (Ego-Fixation): Sloth (Disengagement); Fixated on Peace/Comfort.

• Self-Regulation Goal (Integration): To fully Waken Up to their own inner life, opinions, and desires, accessing the Gift of Right Action.

• Body Work (Somatic Practice): Practice Body Activation (e.g., Tai Chi, brisk walking, purposeful movement) to overcome inertia, re-engage energy, and feel their physical presence in the world.

• Cognitive Reframe (Mental Shift): Self-Care through Boundaries Reframe: Learn to affirm their own presence and will by saying, “I choose this,” or “I need some time alone,” to differentiate their own voice from the desires of others.

Working with the Enneagram is a journey of self-awareness that ultimately leads to more fulfilling and authentic bonds, with yourself and with others.

Get in touch to start your Enneagram exploration felicity@bendtheriver.org

The Reflection Question

Work with me

Everything starts with an Intro Chat

If you'd like to work with me as your coach or coach supervisior, let's get some time in the diary. We will explore what you're hoping for, get a feel for our relationship and cover options.

Reach out today, if for no other reason that you will be clearer about something by the end of our call! felicity@bendtheriver.org

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Next Flow with Felicity coming out, first Friday of the month, 7th November 2025.

What grabbed your interest?

If this prompts you to do something different or supports a reframe, I'd love to celebrate and support the changes you are making. Keep me in the loop :) I love an update.

felicity@bendtheriver.org

See you next month :)